Why does having a lazy day make me feel disgusting and not refreshed

I wish my life was more [productive, ideal/oriented toward art and creating, virtue, friends]. I need to change but life gets in the way too

I wish I could do anything worthwhile or meaningful

things looks better and yet I remain stuck in a loop, hollow

man... what is happening to me...

(being insanely dramatic but the hole in my chest grows) when does the survivor guilt end?

I really am asleep in my own body for much of the day, huh?

Im geeking bro why is being vulnerable so hard what if people think im mean or stupid

having a body is so hard... too much work... I need out of it

yeah im actually a fraud and I hate this shit. Everything I've said i am and intended to be is gone

I feel like the most vicious person, i cannot have the 德 to warrant this

Using someone catching feelings really quickly as reassurance im not disgusting or grotesque

I wish I didnt feel selfish and guilty and feel happy and free to share my successes, but praise for every little thing isnt good to ask...

is this how it feels? if only id learn...

when youre a liar so you just project your own distrust onto everyone else... but what else is there to do? faking care feels more humane

I wish I had the strength to give up

convincing yourself youre worthless so you never have an embarrassing big ego moment ever again

why does everyone else get to use me for happiness and im stuck as a fucking husk. Even if I prioritize myself, nothing will change Im stuck

What an absolute fucking nightmare. It's this for the rest of my life?? I'd be better off getting out of here asap

Living like i could die every second but minimizing my impact instead of maximizing it