yeah. i give up. i've been wrestling with this decision for the better part of a year and i can't live like this anymore

need to get back into cold and unaffected and detached, actually. life was a lot easier to drift by, haunting it like a ghost

how long? too long

i keep having crying jags because its bitterly painful to know if i killed myself theres only one person who would notice or care. nightmare

ok time to go write in my diary like the sad freak i am. smiley face and thumbs up

tempted to ruin my cardiac health again because at least the caffeine felt pleasant. even with the painful palpitations

Hello Big City. i would like the flavour of crippling depression that is 'lonely when not alone' as opposed to 'lonely and alone' atm

i guess it'll be a chance to reinvent myself. or develop crippling alcoholism and bleed out to death. yknow. either or

on that note *cranks up for king and country because im having a real normal one tonight*

its like how if i start listening to christian music again you know i am actively suicidal. religion as a comfortable crutch...

every time i get the slightest inclination to go to church i know IMMEDIATELY im about to have the mother of god of all crashouts

imagine if i started seriously going to church again

*well. i matter to my big brother. thats it though lmao

glaring reminder that i dont matter in anyone's life. hm. bad sunday evening vibes

kind of deranged the physical stress literally changed my entire fucking hair texture and gave me white hair

NEED to wear more collared shirts so i can confuse academics about this wavy haired boygirlthing prancing around with brooches

pinning a pretty sparkly angel pin to my lapel like hm. maybe THIS will save me

*thinking about he/him butch lesbians* might just fuck around and find out

local faggot seen wearing vintage pansy motif because they're too afraid to wear an overt pride pin. its me im the trembling pansy

god doesn't love me and neither do i. at least we have that in common