a sobering realization to know that there's precisely one person who would even bother to read the damn thing or care about it. lol

i'll at least finish writing it i guess. for the catharsis of purging it out of my system or whatever

particularly pathetic to draft a note and realize its pointless because no one its addressed to would care anyway. so. whatever

tiny crumb of joy is watching the gradient gradation of the fountain pen ink shifting from purple to pink as the newest refill filters thru

will have to lurk around some other forums for holiday event ideas i guess. a pleasant distraction

yes i DO have a co dependent relationship with him. whatever keeps you alive at the end of the day i guess

cant kms because my big bro would be SO proud of me for the writing group meetups and when hes better we'll yap for hours on end again

miss my big brother

genuinely mortifying ordeal of living and realizing your death would change nothing in the lives of those around you. hate that

could just crack into my prescribed pain meds and fast forward through weeks at a time by sleeping again

unmedicated depression and ptsd beating the FUCK out of me rn

keeps circling back to the thought that id be better off dead & the people in my life'd rather i die quietly than bother them about it

glass animals get me fr. been looping agnes and showpony on miserable loop

too sick and in pain to sleep or write or do anything but stare listlessly as i try to scribble in my journal pointlessly. ugh

i knowww the volatile and violent moodswings are just a result of me being in excruciating pain rn but it blows bro

deeply miserable but at least cheap simulations of human interaction are available for free on video near you now! streams to fill silence

stomach flu

showering DID make me feel marginally better. enough to have the energy to have a meltdown. unsure if a net good was achieved

(thinks about my life for more than two seconds critically and has a catastrophic crashout) has been my life for uh. months now lol

there's precisely one person in my life who gives a fuck about my wellbeing and he's grievously injured so hes been MIA. fml